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Humor

The DEA and Satan...
Heaven or Hell?
Little Justin...
Hillary and Little Kenneth...
The DC Beltway...
The Church Lady...
Razorbacks...
An Old Montana Farmer...
The Pope and Hillary..
The Haircut...
Post Turtle...
My Dog Can Vote...
A Senior Moment
A Senior Moment
Charity and Welfare...
Fallujah...
Common Core... Teaching Math...
The UN Newsletter...
Union Road Crew
 

 

 

 

Hillary and Little Kenneth...
 
Hillary Clinton went to a gifted-student primary school to talk about herself. After her talk she offered question time.
 
One little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to him and asked, "What is your question?"
 
Kenneth asked three questions...
1 - What happened in Benghazi?
2 - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3 What happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
 
Just then the bell rang for recess. Hillary Clinton informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess... When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, Let's continue with question time. Who has a question?"
 
A different boy put his hand up, Hillary pointed to him and asked, "What is your question?"
 
Johnny only asked two questions...
1 - Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
2 - Who were those men who took Kenneth away?
 

The DEA and Satan...
 
A DEA Agent raced up to a farm, dust and gravel flying. The he strode over to the farmer and loudly announced, "I am here to inspect your farm for illegal plants!"
 
"Okay," Replied the farmer, "but don't go in that field beyond the fence."
 
"WHAT! I am an Agent of the Federal Government and I Can Go Anywhere I Damn Well Want!" Barked the agent arrogantly as he shoved his badge in the farmer's face.
 
"Yessir." Said the farmer, and he quietly went back to work.
 
A bit later the farmer heard panicked screams coming from the field, he ran over to the fence and there was the DEA Agent running for his life as the farmer's prize bull, Satan, was rapidly gaining on him and about to gore him.
 
The farmer shouted out to the Agent... "Show Him Your Badge, Show Him Your Badge."
 

The DC Beltway...
 
I was stuck in a traffic jam on the DC Beltway, nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. I rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
 
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton and they're demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse her in gasoline and set her on fire... We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
 
"Okay, How much is everyone giving, on average?"
 
The man replied, "About a gallon."
 

The DC Beltway...
 
I was stuck in a traffic jam on the DC Beltway, nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. I rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
 
"Terrorists have kidnapped the Black Cacus and they're demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them in gasoline and set them on fire... We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
 
So I gave him a gallon.
 

The Church Lady...
 
On the way to a monthly church meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a Montana Highway Patrolman. He asked for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.
 
In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a concealed carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box..
 
Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
 
The officer was compelled to ask her what was she so afraid of?
 
She looked him right in the eye and said... Not a damn thing officer!
 

Razorbacks...
 
President Bill Clinton arrives on Air Force One. A ramp is wheeled up and he appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a smart salute.
 
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me son, I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
 
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
 
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
 
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
 
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
 
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so Sir!"
 

An Old Montana Farmer...
 
Air Force One crashed in the middle of Montana. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the aircraft was in bad shape, smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.
 
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
 
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
 
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
 
"That is the airplane of the President of the United States, Were there any survivors?"
 
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the mornin'."
 
"How could you be sure Mr. Obama was dead?" the sheriff asked.
 
"Waal sheriff," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he warn't... But you know how that sumbitch lies."
 

The Pope and Hillary...
 
The Pope and Hillary Clinton were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. Hillary said to the Pope smugly... "When I give my speech, everyone will cheer."
 
The Pope leaned towards her and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can have every person in this crowd cheer wildly with joy? This joy will not just be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
 
Hillary frowned and replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand??? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her right off the stage!
 
THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
 

The Haircut...
 
One day in DC a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, I am an immigrant and this is my "I love America week" and I'm not accepting money for my services. The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
Next, a cop came in for a shave. When he went to pay, the barber explained his "I love America week" and didn't accept money for his services. The cop thanked him and left.
 
Then a Democrat Congressman came in for a haircut, afterwards the barber told him the same thing, the Congressman left.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a dozen roses and a note "I love America too." Next to the flowers was a dozen donuts and a card saying, "God bless America," and next to the donuts were a dozen Democrat Congressmen all lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Democrats who run it.
 

My Dog Can Vote...
 
The other morning, I shaved my dog's a$$, taught him to walk backwards, and took him down to register to vote.
 
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to vote."
 
So I explained to her that my dog is of mixed race, lazy, unemployed, sleeps all day, can't speak English, $hits anywhere, humps other male dogs, licks his own genitals, and has no clue as to who his daddy is... Also, he expects me to feed him and provide him with free housing and medical care.
 
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify for registration.
 
My Dog is Now a Registered Democrat.
 

My Dog Voted...
 
After my dog registered as a Democrat, on election day I took him down to vote, I showed the monitors his registration and they let him in to vote...
 
Turned out my dog voted Republican! My dog is a lot smarter than most Democrats :)
 
Right Rover? Arf!
 

A Senior Moment...
 
In retirement, my loving daughter has been encouraging me to do something useful with my time, so I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
 
She exclaimed, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her my new membership card.
 
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
 
I said, "Ooops... Now what should I do... I signed up for five jumps a week?" She fainted.
 
Have a little fun each day, It's important for your health :)
 

A Senior Moment...
 
The other day, while downtown, I spotted a cop writing a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
 
When he slid the ticket under the window wiper, I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He glared at me and started another, As he put it under the wiper with the first, I called him a "Nazi." The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
 
Finally I quit and took the bus home... I don't know who owned the car the car but it had had an Obama "Hope and Change" bumper sticker.
 
Have a little fun each day, It's important for your health :)
 

A Senior Moment...
 
As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
 
Harold Schlumberg is such a Person....
 
Harold: "I've often been asked... What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine, then I take a jog out to the shed and piss on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day, I really enjoy it and I get my exercise too!"
 
Harold is an inspiration to us all.
 

I celebrate "Earth Day" every day...
http://www.wizzstickers.com/files/Piss-on-Hillary-Rectangle.gif
 
I have often been asked... What do you old-timers do now that you're retired?
 
Well, I stay active and happy. One of the things I enjoy most is drinking beer and occasionally scotch, then I take a jog out to the shed and recycle it on a picture of Hillary. I do this several times every day, I really enjoy it and I get my exercise too!
 

Charity and Welfare...
 
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his address and told him to come to his office the next day and he would help him find a job. Then he took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
 
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. Then she reached into Trump's pocket and got out $20, kept $15 for her administrative fee and gave the homeless person $5 and told him to vote for her if he wanted more.
 
Now, do you understand the difference between Charity and Welfare?
 

Fallujah...
 
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
 
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, worthless, left wing Commie who isn't even an American."
 
"So there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
 

 

The UN Newsletter...
 
French Peacekeepers Arrive by Landing Craft, Surrender to enemy fishermen one mile from shore.
 
Prior to reaching the coast of the enemy, the advance 30-man contingent of the planed 200-man force of French peacekeepers has surrendered unconditionally to an unarmed, thirty-foot enemy fishing boat that had broken down and was drifting as the result of an overheated propeller shaft bearing while trawling for sea bass off the coast.
 
Colonel Maurice Pusse' explained that this surrender is necessary in order to verify conditions in the enemy prisoner of war camps before the entire French force lands and surrenders en masse. "If the food and lodging are good, if they provide adequate dental care", Pusse' said, "then I can signal the main force to land; otherwise, they might just as well land and surrender somewhere else".
 
One of the five surprised fisherman who was interviewed, Ali Bubba, said he was delighted with the cooperative attitude of the French infidels and is especially happy to receive rifles and machine guns that have never once been fired, plus a nice landing craft. "These are new-in-wrap weapons that will command a good price to help lift me out of poverty so I can travel to America and open a doughnut shop or maybe an institute for diversity training".
 
The UN Secretary General expressed concern that the upkeep for French soldiers in enemy POW camps would impose a severe financial strain and said that, "the United States, with their deep pockets and all, should, to be fair, pay extra for everything including the additional wear and tear and anguish of my staff of twenty-five thousand, some of whom are not even related to me".
 

Post Turtle...
 
One day an old Montana cowboy was out ridin' fence and he saw a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. When he got back to the bunkhouse he told the other fellers that he saw a "post turtle."
 
One of them asked, "What the hell is a 'post Turtle?'"
 
The cowboy replied, "It was a turtle settin' on top of a post! You know it didn't get up there by itself, it doesn't belong there, it doesn't know what to do while it's up there, and you just wonder, what kind of dang fool would put it up there to begin with!"
 

Common Core... Teaching Math...
 
Teaching Math In 1950s... A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math In 1970s... A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math In 1980s... A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
 
Teaching Math In 1990s... A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Circle the number 20.
 
Teaching Math In 2000s... A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
 
Teaching Math in 2015... Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80... Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 

Union Road Crew...
 
8:00 AM
Arrive at construction yard and clock-in
8:00 - 9:00 AM
Get daily work assignment, get approval from union steward
9:00 - 10:00 AM
Fuel vehicles, load traffic cones and speed limit signs.
10:00 - 11:00 AM
Drive to construction site.
11:00 - 12:00 Noon
Put out traffic cones and speed limit signs.
12:00 Noon - 1:00 PM
Lunch
1:00 - 2:00 PM
Pick up traffic cones and and speed limit signs.
2:00 - 3:00 PM
Return to construction yard.
3:00 - 4:00 PM
Unload traffic cones and speed limit signs.
4:00 - 5:00 PM
Fill out daily work report, file grievances with union steward.
5:00 PM
clock-out... WHEW!
 


 
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