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| We, the liberal Socialist people of the United States, in order to preserve the freedoms this country was founded upon, hereby announce this clarification of the original Bill of Rights. We hold these truths to be self-evident: This country was created based on personal rights and personal means ME, therefore the entire Universe revolves around MY a**hole. |
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ARTICLE I: I have the right to a big screen TV, new car, new home and any other forms of wealth available. I am not required to earn these things because I live in a free country and that means the government owes these things to ME for living here.
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ARTICLE II: I have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means you cannot offend ME. If you say or do anything of a racial, ethnic, political nature or even mention that I am just plain stupid or have BO, then I can charge you with a hate crime and the government will lock you away for a long time.
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ARTICLE III: I have the right to be free from harm. If I burn myself with hot coffee then that means I have not been properly protected and I can sue the businessman and the cup company for enough money to make ME wealthy and comfortable forever. If I burn myself again I can collect double damages.
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ARTICLE IV: I have the right to free food and a free house. Americans used to be charitable but now the freedom of charity is enforced by government welfare. You do not have the right to tell ME to get off of MY butt and get a job just because I take these free things. You owe them to ME because of government welfare. I am also raising MY children to be aware of these freedoms so they can also live a life of freedom and leisure on welfare.
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ARTICLE V: I have the right to free health care. I can live any way I choose and if I get sick it is the obligation of the government to pay for all of MY health care no matter how high the cost. If I am living an alternative life style then I have the right to be treated first. It does not matter what you believe is right, you are obligated to pay for MY abortion when I decide to murder MY baby.
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ARTICLE VI: If I do not get all the free things I am guaranteed then I have the right to take them by force even if that means harming other people. I can demand the government take your guns so you cannot resist. If I am caught then I have the right to a free lawyer and an immediate release on technicalities at which time I have the right to sue the cops for arresting ME.
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ARTICLE VII: The government has the right to rob, cheat, coerce, tax and otherwise get your possessions, then they can redistribute the wealth to ME so that I can have a big screen TV and the other things I want. If you are unwillingly to part with your possessions then the government will take them anyway and lock you up for a long time.
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ARTICLE VIII: If MY conscience bothers ME about anything happening in other countries then I have the right to demand the government fix it. Oppressive countries that do not give their citizens the right to big screen TVs are bad and I can demand the government declare war. If I am afraid of getting a bullet in MY butt then the government can send your kids instead. Once war is declared I have the right to insult the President and accuse our troops of murder.
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ARTICLE IX: I have the right to a job. I can work for any company I want because if they don't hire ME I will claim discrimination and the government will force them to hire ME. If that doesn't work and I am completely worthless and too stupid for the lowest job in the private sector, then I have the right to a government job. When I get MY job I have the freedom to not do anything. If I quit or lose MY job I have the right to a welfare paycheck.
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ARTICLE X: I have the right to happiness. Being an American means that I have the right to pursue happiness and it is the responsibility of the government to see that I get it.
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Is this a great country or what?
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