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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77dKMJfSs38
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxYSduRES1o
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYnMYZDsrJM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rc0CxNT_tQ
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World History 101
For those who slept through World History 101... here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer.
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. These liberal men eventually evolved into girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note, most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
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The Moral To The Story
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
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There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. Janie, do you have a story to share?
Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy...
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She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
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Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher, What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
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Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking.
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http://usataxpayer.org/Images/implants.jpg
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These specially designed micro chips are intended to be implanted in terrorists.
When properly installed, they will allow the one implanted, to speak to God.
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They come in various sizes, The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.
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Pain and any side effects, like headaches, nausea and aches are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site, however, in most cases, it won't even be noticed.
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(click the link above)
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Leather Dresses
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Why is it that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
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Because she smells like a new Truck.
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An Eyeful a Day
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Old Butch
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
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John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
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John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Ravali County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
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Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Political Correctness
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We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads", since the Item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small sheet.
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Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads".
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Thank you for your support and compliance in this matter.
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Tom's Scrotum
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
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Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
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You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
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"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
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Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
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"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
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All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
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A man stood up, He said, "Hi, I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
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"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
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The UN Newsletter
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French Peacekeepers Arrive by Landing Craft, Surrender to enemy fishermen one mile from shore.
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Prior to reaching the coast of the enemy, the advance 30-man contingent of the planed 200-man force of French peacekeepers has surrendered unconditionally to an unarmed, thirty-foot enemy fishing boat that had broken down and was drifting as the result of an overheated propeller shaft bearing while trawling for sea bass off the coast.
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Colonel Maurice Pusse' explained that this surrender is necessary in order to verify conditions in the enemy prisoner of war camps before the entire French force lands and surrenders en masse. "If the food and lodging are good, if they provide adequate dental care", Pusse' said, "then I can signal the main force to land; otherwise, they might just as well land and surrender somewhere else".
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One of the five surprised fisherman who was interviewed, Ali Bubba, said he was delighted with the cooperative attitude of the French infidels and is especially happy to receive rifles and machine guns that have never once been fired, plus a nice landing craft. "These are new-in-wrap weapons that will command a good price to help lift me out of poverty so I can travel to America and open a doughnut shop or maybe an institute for diversity training".
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The UN Secretary General expressed concern that the upkeep for French soldiers in enemy POW camps would impose a severe financial strain and said that, "the United States, with their deep pockets and all, should, to be fair, pay extra for everything including the additional wear and tear and anguish of my staff of twenty-five thousand, some of whom are not even related to me".
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http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=humor&Raw=Hahn True Romance.wmv
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http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=humor&Raw=Hahn High Dive.wmv
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http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=humor&Raw=Hahn Venice.wmv
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http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=corruptcongress
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http://usataxpayer.org/view.asp?Get=headlines
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